Revelations of Self

Due to the fact that I've recently finished a book, there's nothing on TV, and I can't currently think of a movie to watch on Netflix you are getting another post out of me. :-)

1. I have almost a desperate desire in my heart to write a young adult book that I can't seem to shake. I am completely void of any subject matter on which I could write and grasp in vain at ideas I deem unoriginal and know that they would turn into a pathetic misrepresentation of the wonderful work already done by someone else's hand. This longing, this unborn thing in me would, with hopeful wishes, engulf the reader in the wonder of another world full of magic and perseverance. I once had a literature teacher who wrote off escapist literature as something for children only and should be left alone once you learn to read with an analytical eye. I vehemently disagree with this opinion of hers. Some of the most extraordinary characters I have come across have been found amongst the pages of fairy tales and they have shown me what true compassion, friendship, self-growth, coping, and love is while taking on the worst of foes. I don't think we are done being taught how to live with such vital concepts when we reach any certain age, so to stop allowing yourself to receive those lessons from sources that also provide great entertainment--to me--is like saying that you are done developing as a human of childlike wonder and empathy.


2. I really don't appreciate it when someone tries to force a  certain response from me--especially if it's one that wouldn't come naturally from me.  Whether it be a judgmental statement such as "you don't actually like that, do you" to a statement that forces (usually feigned) interest from me. My mother loves to use this tactic to help spread unnecessary drama. One evening my husband and I were sitting across from her and her husband and out of the blue she says, "And that's why [he] isn't allowed over the house anymore." At no point were we talking about this guy nor do we know him. The only appropriate way I can think of to respond to this without also being pulled into needless drama is to ignore the comment. I guess my issue with expected responses is that it is a form of manipulation. When you grow up being constantly manipulated you tend to loathe it like traditional vampires loathe sunlight or Ke$ha loathes decency, propriety...soap.


3. I have this terrible tendency to block myself off from others. I would like to say that I have no idea why and cross my arms and make you move on to something else, but I can't. I honestly think it's because of so many people letting me down in my life. Be it by using me as a pawn in their game or filling my ears with words and my eyes with actions full of falsehoods so that I no longer know what is right or simple lack of love and utter neglect from those who swore to care for me. I have a horrible habit of clinging to someone new in my life and divulge all of my secrets just knowing that they are the one person who might actually understand me and maybe somehow reverse the damage done. I cling to that person as a lifeline until that day that they turn out to be human and then I begin to build a wall against them so that they can't hurt me like so many others have. I can and often do forgive any trespass that occurred but I can't figure out a way to stop construction. These barriers that I cling to are higher and stronger than China's glory, but are as harmful as Berlin's shame. The simplest word-to-paper way to fix this is to trust others and understand that they are every bit as human as I am. Recovering trust, however in practice, is so hard for me. My hope is one day I will get better and that my children will grow up not seeing this side to their mother.

Ever reach out into the void so hard only to realize it's called that for a reason? Later days.